Road to Baby.

Road-to-Baby-Miscarriage-and-recovery-pregnant-cat-wtih-ultrasound

I have been trying to figure out how to write this post for a while. Announcing on Facebook takes 2 sentences, but the excitement and ideas of being able to share this with all of you have been overwhelming. 

So to start off. We're having a Baby!!!! And I'm due February 4th!

It is the most exciting thing in my entire life, but for weeks it was terrifying. 

Last October, I found out we were pregnant with my first pregnancy. I was home alone. And like most girls, took pregnancy tests all the time just in case. I took one, never ever thinking it would be positive and boom... 2 lines. I was heading to Miami that night, and J was out of town for work. I called him and we both flipped out and cried. Immediately we felt like, ok here we go! I had a doctor's appointment, saw the yolk, got a blood test done, told my family, bought maternity shorts, and started researching the nursery. A few weeks later we were given the devastating news that we had lost the baby. For weeks, I cried. Within the few prior months, we had several friends have tragic pregnancy and birth stories.  Situations I didn't know could happen or at least I thought could never happen to people I know and love, and all the sudden here we were with our blissful baby bubble popped. I wondered if I would ever have a baby, and if I could, if it was possible to enjoy a pregnancy after this. 

I was pretty open about my miscarriage. I was confused as to why women were forced to keep this heart breaking experience silent. I've had heart surgeries and have been able to talk about those freely, and yet my miscarriage and D&C got completely swept under the rug like it never happened. My heart felt ripped out of my chest. And if people acknowledged it in any way, which they desperately tried to avoid, they would give me some weird "It's ok" one liner. I felt alone in my experience. No one knew what to say, and when I did talk about it, I ended up feeling as if I had put the other person in an uncomfortable situation. Even if that person had gone through it themselves. It was like they didn't want to be 'found out'. I was back to silent. And yet, knew 1 in 6 women were going through, had been through, or would eventually go through this. 

To jump start the happiness, we decided to finally plan our honeymoon. And in May decided to actually try for a baby. I downloaded the apps, and we were extremely, extremely lucky and got pregnant right away. But I took my time telling friends and family. I waited until 12 weeks. And even then was timid about celebration. Even though I had seen the heart beat and the baby looking like a baby, moving around I still said things like "we'll see" or "if we have a baby...". Now at 14 weeks, I still get nervous that if I order something it will jinx us. It bothers me and I wonder if I'll always be like that. But as weeks and appointments go by, I feel more and more comfortable. I know nothing in life is guaranteed, and maybe that realization and lesson makes this experience all the sweeter. 

My wish is that this conversation becomes easier. Not lack luster, or covered up. For the stigma and guilt to fade. It's not easy to mark down that you've had more pregnancies than live births. But it's not shameful. Whether that pregnancy lasted a few weeks, or 9 months, that baby does not fade from your memory or your heart. It becomes no less real over time. Allowing there to be a conversation, means that the next woman who miscarries will have a support system around her that has more of an idea of what to say. Husbands won't feel as helpless. Women won't feel so broken and alone. And then in turn, their eventual pregnancy won't have to be lived out in fear of the what if's so greatly and silently. And marking down that this pregnancy isn't the first won't feel as dirty, nor will it emotionally discredit the current pregnancy in any way. To be honest, sharing our story feels awkward. But it also felt needed. To live the experience and not share it benefits no one. 

All I can say now is that I want to make sure the scary things in life, don't ruin the beautiful ones. 

This is a beautiful, beautiful time. I am so excited to share it with you.

Now for the fun stuff...